Will you blow on my dice?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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