TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
