My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
