I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
