saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
