You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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