I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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