Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
