Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
