just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
