I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
