remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
