I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
