Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
