I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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