how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
