Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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