I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
foreskin is a definite game changer
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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