Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
