First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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