Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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