if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
