So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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