Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
