U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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