I got chris browned last night
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
