So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
