Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
