if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
