i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He did a backflip because drugs
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
