here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
