I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
