he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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