Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
