9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
