in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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