things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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