I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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