She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
