Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
