I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Less talking, more tequila
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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