i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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