I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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