woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
