So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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