i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
