Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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