1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
