After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
