don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
