I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
